Nobody Said it Was Easy, No One Ever Said it Would Be This Hard, Take Me Back to the Start

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And know the place for the first time.

~T.S. Eliot

 

1,264 miles and I made it!

 

 

...and 37 years later I got back to me and where I began this crazy beautiful journey of mine. 

Riverton, Wyoming. 

 

I was disappointed to find out the hospital I was born in had been torn down...but without an address and just a memory, my mom found the very first house I ever called home. 511 Fremont St.

_____________________________________________________________ 

Once I have a chance to process and really take in my adventure I will share more, but for now I'll leave you with a couple of pictures from the final week:

 The Tetons...I wish the picture did them justice.

 Yellowstone...the surface of a planet!

 When I was a kid I thought Old Faithful was cool, but as an adult I have a much deeper appreciation for the natural process and occurrence of it all.

 My own personal sag wagon joined me for the final Wyoming leg of my trip...its like having a grocery store and all you can eat buffet in the back of the car...rad! And bell hops that carry all the gear!

Too bad the sag wagon can't make the swamp ass disappear...at least I'm still smiling!

So Lets Love Fully. Lets Love Loud. Lets Love Now.

Things manifest in the most eloquent and unexpected ways:

When we trust ourselves we find our confidence.

It is pretty safe to say that over the past few years I have felt like Alice in Wonderland at times...and definitely so over the last 3 weeks of this journey...at times there are curiosities, and questions, and unknowns, and perplexing thoughts. There are also ah-ha moments, and in-between moments, and livable moments, answers, challenges...and there has also been a very grounded feeling of peace. As I head into the final week of my journey in Wyoming I am looking forward to all of these moments continuing...and my only hope is that when I arrive "home" I can continue to cultivate a true awareness of myself and hold steady to the peaceful center that has grounded me where I am. I am sure there will still be Alice in Wonderland moments, and when these moments come to fruition I will gently remind myself that Alice, did indeed, have the time of her life, so I better enjoy the ride!

I've been on a path of reconciliation over the better part of the last year. Reconciliation with myself. Deliberately seeking out ways of making my life compatible with my very own value system...what a concept, right?! Respecting who I am, at the core...and not who anyone else expects me to be. Think about that for a moment...do you live YOUR life for you? Or do you cut and paste the parts to fit in for someone else to accept? Somewhere in my last lifetime I had subtly lost grasp of me...and I hadn't even known it. I was numbing out my feelings because I was so busy trying to convince myself that my life had to go as planned (as I had planned it)...so busy that I had in fact forgot why or what that plan even was in the first place. I was letting exterior forces guide me instead of my own core belief system. I was busy convincing myself that my life was everything I had wanted...when it wasn't even close. Yet, I didn't figure this out until days/weeks/months/years later. Well, not entirely true...somewhere along the path I had indeed recognized that I was bending in a lot of ways that were untrue to my being...but I thought I still had a firm grasp on me...or at least I was good a convincing myself of it...

I had good reasons excuses, of why it was ok to bend in ways that were outside of my norm...I thought that I was working on ME by meeting the needs of others. And I was like superwoman, because I was meeting the needs of a whole bunch of people! I was doing it for the studio. For my students. For former students. For friends. For lovers. For family. For everyone else...but myself. I told myself it was ok if my only alone time was the time I spent in the car getting from point A to Point B. It was ok that I put my house chores and storage room organization duties off another weekend. That it was ok that I didn't check in with myself and take a break. Every bit of free time that I did have was spent making experiences with people that I loved...and that was good for my soul. I was convincing myself of it, without hesitation, and I was so thankful that other people were convincing me of it, too. So...I was beginning to accept that my business hours were not normal, that my bedtime was too late, that I was not invited to things because I was always working, even to the point that the food and beverages I drank were never quite right, actually, I came to accept that I didn't do a lot of things right...

And...without a doubt, it WAS good for my soul. You see, without the experiences over my last lifetime, I wouldn't be where I am today...in a place full of knowledge, growth, and peace...and most of all...I've found confidence in myself again. I've learned how to embrace ME, my value system, my "normal". And I've seen the importance of not being in demand, and not putting pressure on myself, and of being appreciated and being seen for who I really am. And that I had really never lost complete grasp of myself, more that I was letting myself explore the limits and understand that MY life is just that...mine, not someone else's life to fit into....my hours ARE absolutely normal, my tender and caring heart is a beautiful thing, the raw and sincere love that I have to share is enormous, and that professional cat lovers are needed on this earth, and milk is a perfectly fine drink to buy anytime, and that written word is ok, and that alone time is vital to my peaceful center, and that I'm Miss Amber...

When you are tired learn to rest, not to quit. - This was a quote I had come across during my time out period soon after my last lifetime ended. I am proud to say that I have never quit anything in my life...and likely never will...but I am not as proud to admit that I have never learned how to rest. And something clicked when I was asked to set life free...my life was in dire need of rest...

In some weird way, I have so much gratitude for the experiences of my last lifetime, all of them...all of the questions, curiosities and bending that I did...I know, without a doubt, that I did indeed spend my time wisely and with people I loved. I don't regret a minute of it. I am also so very thankful for having the opportunity to grow from all of those prior moments...an experience that has been so very dear to me. I am finally back to doing me.

This week, after I climbed and descended 53 hills with elevations of nothing less than that of Mt. Everest (ok, maybe there were only 5 or 7 mountains, but who is counting) I found new meaning and a magnificent understanding and peaceful center of  what resting really means...not only a rejuvenation of our spirit and a recharge of our physical strength...but more so...it teaches us to live in the moment.

All of this came full circle this week when my journey collided with the path of a sweet 6 year old and an invite to an impromptu tea party. A tea party full of imagination...the water was tea, cream, and sugar, the palace was a lovely garden where flowers acted as doors that opened and closed, where rocks were thrones, and leaves were expensive treats, and jewels were hidden...ah yes, it was about white rabbits, and smoking caterpillars...and as I turned I saw Cheshire grinning, and immediately sensed that Alice was right where she was suppose to be. 

More in-between moments that I never could have planned for...but moments that I get to take forward with me and hold for an eternity. Moments that have made everything right about this journey. The miles traveled are just miles. It's the experiences that add to our narrative...and what a beautiful story I get call my own...and be proud of.

(Only 43 miles shy of 1000!!)

But for now, I rest and share small bits of my journey:

 A grinning Cheshire at a lovely homestay.

 A grinning me at a lovely shade spot on my grocery run.

 Who knew prayer flags would bring water?!

 ...or blackberries!

 I keep finding a new appreciation for green grass. It lets me rest!

 But I still haven't figured out the lock that mysteriously changed combinations in the matter of a ride...so weird. 

 Even though I am not a fan of corporate America, I am a fan of civilization and coffee!

 I must admit that I became the person I despise...can't stand when cyclists ride their bikes with their jersey unzipped or just in their bibs...BUT it was sooooo hot...well, that and I didn't want tan lines on my arms either!

 ...or my legs. If I could ride in my swimming suit, I definitely would. I might roll my shorts more than most...maybe.

Everything I need to survive can be found neatly packed right here in this 44 lbs (WHAT?!?!). Next adventure will be to see how much I can live without...

 If I weighed another 44 lbs I would have hips that look like this...oh my.  Gotta drop some of that weight!

But for now I'll let Cheshire carry me and my extra weight...and love each moment!

There's a World Outside My Doorstep

Good morning and good night! Feels good sleeping under 4 billion stars!

It ain't no thing...small, unplanned events...like a broken tire pump...to start the week. Need air...find a way!

No, the heavens did not open up and bring rain...oh no, sometimes you push so hard that you don't even realize that you are drooling on yourself. Some days are hot and hard.

)-:

This is the way to camp! My all inclusive camp...covered bike parking, laundry facilities, water, a fridge, and wifi!!

The best camp host...my brother!! We even made tinfoil dinners...like when we went on those dreaded 3 week camping trips as kids! (nobody remembers them being 3 weeks, except for me...guess I'm the only one with a good memory)

Nothing better than laughing hysterically in your laundry outfit!

Wide open space, a smile, and sun...uninterrupted!

Ugh, then this...loooooooooong dirt roads and cattle guards that cause interruptions...

...like crooked handlebars...

...and saddle sores. I'm trying to keep a smile! 

But then you realize you are living on the surface of a planet! 

Getting a ride in just before it gets too hot...and freezing, the chattering teeth kind of cold. 

And finding inspiration all along the way! Thank you Grace, Jonathan, Abigail, Maddie, MaCallia, Vallery, Jessie, Riley, Emma, Eden and Caitlyn...so incredibly blessed to be Miss Amber! 

How Many Miles Have We Wandered

In college I had, what I call, a mini-epiphany...at the time, an event that led to an awareness that altered the path of my life. It was an incredible experience, in which I'm endlessly grateful to have had. I was lucky enough to have another one of these moments just a few short months ago, but on a much larger scale...MUCH larger. Nothing mini about it. It was an outright epiphany...an incredible realization of love in the rawest form accompanied by the feeling of complete nirvana. Really. Many years in the making and quite honestly the most excited and peaceful feeling that I had ever felt. Something to be celebrated with the "jump around the house and scream with delight" kind of excitement! An incredible place of being vulnerable and open.

And...

...in a single exhale of  "I'm all in"...I was asked to set life, as I knew it, free...

Talk about crushing. And confused and bewildered. The light feeling of floating as the floor crumbles around you, and you have no idea what to even do, say, or think...you are just suspended in time and space. Then the heaviness of knees hitting the floor because you have no idea what just hit you. And like that, I thought I was setting someone else free, but really I know now, that I set MYSELF free...in the most simple form...

And it's exactly what I needed to get back to doing me.

And I've been reminded of it time and time again on this little adventure of mine. It's not really even something I can put into words and do it justice...its me out here exploring wide open spaces...uninterrupted. Endless miles of pavement, and the occasional dirt road, lend to an incredible exploration of the mind and the self...and what it really means to be free and to be "all in"...the moment we exhale everything and inhale what it feels like to be absolutely in love with life.

My thoughts are filled: passion, dance, family, friends, love, life and its journey, future, present, past, music, the kids I teach - who really teach me a thing or two each day, shade, and sun, sounds, moving, what's next, comfort zones, the lives we touch, food, water, home, Festival, the people and things that touch us, fresh produce, facades, the truth, being Miss Amber, uncertainty, pain, time, wide open space, cows, laughter, living, counting, letting go, forgiveness, crooked handlebars, crashing, tears, change, vulnerability, power lines to nowhere, simplicity, dirt roads, climbing mountains, smoothies, trusting, acting 16, tan lines, bruised toenails, rain, and most importantly...embracing the moment and believing in myself. Often it is hard and I get anxious knowing that things are waiting for me at home...but somehow I find the calm and know that for now I am tending to myself, and there is nothing more important than that.

I'm Thinking About Letting Go, I Think That Might Finally Be Alright

Things have such a magical way of working out. So much planning went into this trip...and it wasn't until it started that I realized there was so much I could have NEVER planned for...but in some mysterious way, I planned for perfectly. Not sure how it all works out, or unfolds...but it does, just as it is suppose to...and I'm not sure about a lot of things, but this I am. I've logged just under 400 miles and experienced things I never dreamed of experiencing. Some days were hard and when I thought my legs were broke and couldn't find the strength to unclip, I figured it out...and some days were easy, filled with flat roads, no wind and two mechanical motors (a left and a right) that just kept going. Like Gump did...except on a blue bike.

I experienced just how tightly I held to my comfort zone...and just how afraid I was of being on the outside. But almost immediately I experienced just how uncomfortable I was living within its confines and how I tried relentlessly to fit within its bounds. But I didn't know until I let myself explore...

And how I planned this ride within the confines of that same comfort zone...silly me.

Somewhere in-between the place where curse words become commas (this I am not proud of - and will blame the 9000 lbs I am cranking uphill) and the place where it all just clicks...I understand...each minute only comes once...love them each.

Week 1 is in the books...can't wait to explore week 2!!

Some of my fun, hard, and inspirational minutes from week 1:
-I wear Lycra (aka activewear) everyday...all day...and this is another thing I know to be true...swamp ass is real. Calluses are too...and not the kind dancers get on their feet. Anyway, back to that Lycra thing...the trip to the laundromat became an event...how cool is that!? And if you don't plan just right you are guaranteed to be left sitting around in your laundromat outfit for the remainder of the day while those Lycra outfits dry...cute, Amber, real cute. But the saving grace is, in just the way it was suppose to be, my laundromat also served drinks...so not only was I unaware of packing a laundromat outfit, I was equally unaware that I had a pub outfit too!

Official do everything outfit...swim bottoms and a wool coat(-:

-It was the hardest ride so far and my legs just didn't have anymore strength...the same trembling fatigue we get sometimes in dance class when we do petite allegro over and over and over and over...so fatigued that all I could do was keep pedaling because I couldn't muster the strength to unclip...unclip or fall over, unclip or fall over, unclip or fall over...well, I deliberately fell over. Resting is resting....no matter if you unclip or stay clipped in! And since it was a planned fall there were no purple casts involved this time! I laid there, clipped in for a brief period until I found some inspiration from my 3 year old ballerinas...I laughed hysterically at the thought of them reaching down  with their hands to assist their feet into a perfect 1st position....it was brilliant! I call it the rider assist unclip...it made me smile at the less than desirable situation.

Squares of motivation that keep me moving! Thank you Lorna, Rory, Jasmine, Taliah, Kallie, Amy, Ruth and The Skidmore's!!

-There is not enough food!!! I don't get up to an alarm clock, but I get up to a grumbling belly. I am soooo hungry all the time. I eat my meal and go back for 3 more tacos. 6000 calories meals 6x a day just isn't cutting it. But thank you friends that sent me on my way with gift cards to fast food chains that I haven't been to since high school...food is food and your kindness is sooooo appreciated in moments of hunger! I think the sauce packet summed it up nicely...

-when we stand on the surface of a planet...the true surface, not the pavement, or concrete, or sod...we realize just how incredibly small we are in the grand scheme of things...outfits and waiting and falling over and schedules don't really matter to the universe. It's just us...BEING!

-and when you connect with another human being - not a doctor or lawyer or stay at home mom, or Audi, or a degree, or the biggest house on the block - and you see that person, and they see you, for who you are at the very core. That is the epitome of being human.

-there was a full moon, in Capricorn, this week, July 19th to be specific. I am not into astrology but there is something to be said about the stars and comets, and moon, and them aligning in a peculiar way with our life's path. A full moon allows us to cast our intentions out to the universe and watch them manifest...beautiful minutes of letting go and refocusing and attracting energy that allows us to achieve our desired outcomes.

It's Your Life, You Gotta Try to Get it Right

This is about so much more than riding my bike, so many little things that keep my mind in a constant place of wonderment:

-the kindness of strangers offering home stays.
-the daily doses of support from those close to me.
-the immediate sense of peace from unexpected places.
-stories made on park benches.
-unknowingly placing a "welcome" sign on my 4 saddlebags. The questions usually go something like this...Where are you from? Where are you headed?...and they are all from differing walks of life - but every single person reaches out and wishes luck and peace, safety and fun, hope and inspiration.
-knowing what a flying pebble to the face feels like...exactly what it feels like.
- the cat calls in the grocery store parking lot, "Damn girl, you make that helmet look gooood!"
-the squares of motivation that bring familiarity. Sometimes laughter, sometimes tears...but always a smile.
-doing laundry in a sink and all the waiting that happens while it air dries.
-the realization in the coffee shop that I am the one who smells like cat pee...oh boy...

And the awe inspiring moment when I understood that everything I could possibly need in life, I had at this very moment, loaded on my bike...a simple reminder that anything else is noise and stuff and excess.

A few misc. pics:

Ewwww, the water was gross after laundering my jacket in the sink! At least it doesn't smell like cat pee any longer!!

The moment I realized it was ME who smelled like cat pee.

 Stories told from the park bench...carvings, cigarette butts, gum, and resting cyclists.

Thanks Larry...you sent me on my way in style... I'm ok if that does not happen again.

Time, Love...It's Only a Change of Time Part 3

And I did my best. And with a few speed humps along the way...I've come a long way. Some things are the same, some things are very different. Like clockwork, I'm reminded how incredibly amazing the journey has been, and I'm right where I am suppose to be. The good, the challenging, the messy, the success, and the growth. Life is definitely more simple, some of my doing, some doings just by happenstance.

And in these unplanned, crazy, in-between moments we call life, that's where this journey becomes the real deal. What I call the Scenic Route...not just the Point A to Point B...but the route with an undefined ETA and the simplest of directions:

1. Establish an ending.
2. Nurture the in-between moments.
3. Cultivate a new beginning.

Ultimately, the SR is where we learn how to simplify, and BE, really.  And how to let go of things that no longer have a use for us, and leave space for the things not willing to leave. Sometimes the route to simplicity is an easy journey - 1,2,3 and there. With other things it is a more deliberate journey, a one two three - inhale, exhale, repeat...undefined route to experiencing ourselves.

This past year, at the studio we had a no excuse zone. And lately, I've been thinking a lot about excuses (aka bullshit) and how often we allow excuses to interfere with our SR...on a daily basis. And how easy it is to recognize and get over it...if we so choose...

Get over it. It's the very subject matter of this blog, it's a saying I use daily with myself, my dancers, and my friends. I use it to encourage my dancers to keep trying and not give up. I say it with the sincerest honesty when speaking with my friends. And mostly in conjunction with an eye roll when speaking to myself. Especially when I'm being a little less than brave...or making excuses.

Simply stated: I've figured out that life happens, in a very simple way, when I get over it. When I stop making excuses. I accomplish goals, experience myself and things, become aware, and grow. And when all of these complexities collide, a simple life is experienced in the most raw sense.

So somewhere along the scenic route...or currently, what I refer to as my Reconciliation Ride...I'm finding my simple self again.