Sweet Like Candy to my Soul, Sweet You Rock, and Sweet You Roll

My first bike crash was when I was 6, only two days after I had learned to ride my bike sans training wheels. It was the first real bike ride WITHOUT training wheels, AND not in the grass, AND further than 25 yards AND my mom let me ride in front as she followed behind. That was a big deal to my 6 year old self. The only thing known, for sure, in my non-helmeted head (I guess brains weren't as important in the 80's as they are now) was that I knew how to ride a bike, for REAL! I had no idea what the Tour of Flanders was that day...but I was ready to ride it and win it! Just as cobbles get in the way of Flanders riders, I too had my own "cobbles" to overcome...or handlebars that stuck out waaaaay too far and made me crash into the parked car on the side of the road. I remember being mad at my bike, of course it wasn't me, I was riding in a straight line. Stupid handlebars. The car was fine, and I was too. The small crash really didn't even bruise my pride, more than anything it taught me about fear...that night I remember asking God to protect me when the police found out that it was me who ran into the car. Instead of counting sheep, I was scared sh!tless and debated on asking my mom if we could just call the police and let them know that it was me. Of course, the police never came for me. And that was my first bike crash.

Unbeknownst to me, my mom was teaching me about confidence and how to spread my wings that day. I learned a thing or two about fear, as well. I was on top of the world heading out on that maiden two-wheel voyage...experienced a lesson along the way, came back a little beat up, was scared of silly outcomes, but it never stopped me from getting back on my bike.

Over the years, there were times my friends "gave me a pump" on the handlebars, gravel roads that gave way under me, skid marks of near misses, and solo, cross country rides to my cousins house, 3 miles away (when you are eleven, 3 miles IS cleeeeeear across the country). There were rides to the horse races in 356 degree heat. Sno-cone rides. And fun rides spent with my mom. Flat tires, lots of them. Rides to mini barns. Dares with an electrical fence. Friends, food, drinks. Criterium races in 467 degree heat and a little friend that lost her dinner all over the sidewalk (now that is a great way to get and keep a front row seat, no one fights you for it).

Then there was THE lesson in crashing...take a chilly February evening, two people reconnecting after circumstances of coolness intervene, and a night ride from Boise to Nampa for pizza and beers...without a bike lock. As we approached the intersection I got distracted...I could say it was the setting sun or that I was trying to pass my friend...but that would be dishonest...my distraction was caused by the nice rear view I had in front of me...don't fault me, I keep good looking company! It was in the moment of me telling myself, sheesh, you are riding bikes with that!!, when I looked away (as to not get distracted)...and...bam, clipped his rear wheel. I went down immediately and remember feeling the pavement skid across my face until I came to a stop. The superficial scrape on the face was my main concern, the arm was an inconvenience, and the knee didn't even register. Adrenaline kicked in, I just needed a moment to catch my breath to figure out I was not getting back on my bike...and it was not because of the superficial wound on the face. We were within sight of the hospital, but I would have to ride across the interstate on Eagle Road with an arm that didn't work 100%; would have been like riding my bike with handlebars that stuck out waaaaaaay to far, but this time the traffic was going 55 mph, not parked. Since I had other options, I wasn't feeling up for a ride to the ER. I opted to sit on the side of the road while my Personal Assistant rode home and kindly returned to pick me up off the side of the road in his vehicle. As I sat there, waiting for him to return, for a brief but fleeting moment, I wondered had we found the bike lock and left sooner if the crash would have ever happened. I also smiled at the fact that I crashed while riding my bike on the surface of a planet. AND all because I had good looking company! That's the way to crash!

My PA returned and had connections, therefore I received zero wait time at the clinic to get x-rays. Freshly braced up, we continued to Nampa, albeit in a vehicle, and enjoyed the pizza, beer and great company, as originally intended. It wasn't until a few days later that I got the pleasure of selecting a cast, and another week until the magic purple unicorn cast was fully covered in autographs of some of the greatest dancers that exist! In the weeks following, I got the pleasure of replacing my helmet, patching my jacket, buying rustoleum to fix the scratches on my frame, and experienced so many lessons that only crashing my bike could have taught:

Lesson 1: Ride with less attractive company.
Lesson 2: Ride with a PA - so many advantages!
Lesson 3: Crash while doing something you love. Then get a purple cast!
Lesson 4: Don't let silly thoughts steal your confidence.
Lesson 5: Multi-tasking is an art form when you ride the trainer.
Lesson 6: Police don't arrest you when you are 6 years old and crash your bike, nor when you are 36.
Lesson 7: Wool socks make great unicorn warmers!
Lesson 8: Purple unicorns are a 2 in 1 deal, cat toys and cat beds!
Lesson 9: Always wear a helmet.
Lesson 10: It's hard to shave your right armpit without help from your left hand...try it, I dare you(-;
Lesson 11: Moms are always right behind you making sure you are safe!
Lesson 12: Superficial wounds to the face heal quickly.
Lesson 13: More than one coffee mug will get broke while wearing a cast.
Lesson 14: Get back on the bike and ride again!

But my heart is wild and my bones are steel

...or something like that!

A Little Unsteady

It was the honesty in which she spoke about having a bad day as she walked into class...the exhale, the tears...and the silence. I knew she needed her space, dance class and a simple understanding. Believe me, I knew it all too well...

Space, dance, and a simple understanding.
Space.
Dance.
And a simple understanding. 

Later on, we shared our stories of bad days...raw and honest...nothing pretty. Yes, dear child...I have bad days, too. She reminded me, not so gently...to get over it. We both shared a reticent smile and in that moment I realized that she got it, too.

No matter if you are 15 or 36, getting over it can be easy...or difficult. Time works like that. It may only take a moment, a day, or perhaps weeks or months. Find space for you. Do something you love. And surround yourself with people that understand and support you. Be like Alice and find yourself in Wonderland...she had the time of her life! Explore your curiosity and find your courage. Feel bewildered, confused and lost...go ahead, experience nonsense! Take as much time as you need.

Its how you come back that truly matters...so much more important than how you arrived.

Clair de Lune

Birthday wishes...

...As he worked on the room, and as it began slowly to take a shape, he realized that for many years, unknown to himself, he had had an image locked somewhere within him like a shamed secret, an image that was ostensibly of a place but which was actually of himself. So it was himself that he was attempting to define as he worked on his study. As he sanded the old boards for his bookcases, and saw the surface roughnesses disappear, the gray weathering flake away to the essential wood and finally to a rich purity of grain and texture - as he repaired his furniture and arranged it in the room, it was himself that he was slowly shaping, it was himself that he was putting into a kind of order, it was himself that he was making possible...
- John Williams, Stoner

With each new day you have the opportunity to learn things, create things and experience new life. Sometimes you are given chances and sometimes you choose. But each day you are given the means to shape the YOU that you truly are. May your next trip around the sun be full of many in-between moments; that your "kind of order" finds you, along with a peaceful center full of gratitude for your blessings, a tranquil awareness of self, beautiful insight, a sense of direction, and love, in its rawest form. Today is yours...enjoy the small pleasures of life...like donuts, coffee and a great book!

I saw love and it came to me

Love Is

...little ballerinas, concentration, hard work, cat pants, cat skirts, cats and dance living forever, valentine rings, socks, cards, chap-stick, and candles, Cheshire (the blue bike), The Batavus, Jean-Pierre, kitty kisses, bike friends, sunrise in the rear view mirror, hand written I LOVE YOU's, a thriving 3 year old Christmas Poinsettia, handmade leotards, pedal wrenches, getting lost, Life's Little Instruction Book, sharing ice cream with little friends, Festival, an apology, goofy dancers who love chocolate, goofy dancers with mustaches, the best sugar cookies ever, cupcakes, Valentine treats from dancers to Festival, handmade gifts from two real life princesses, thank you notes, bedtime snuggles, coffee dates with great friends, dinner dates with others, spontaneous group hugs offered by 3 year olds, returning ballerinas, many smiles found in a cup of free coffee, employees that always show up excited to work, a mom that always has my back, witnessing the smile of a child receiving a Valentine card, hugs, encouragement from my biggest supporter, a Kleenex to dry my weeping eyes, phone calls to check in, witnessing the courage of young dancers owning up to mistakes, Sunday morning ballet class, neighbors who care...and probably most of all...the love letters that have filled the dressing room mirror over the past two weeks. Not sure why it was started...but let's keep it going! Proves that love isn't made or shaped in known time or structure...it just is....

May you each seek out the ways in which your own life is enriched through the kind and gentle love offered by those around you...accept it with an open heart and give it back freely! Then spread it like wildfire! Find peace in your love...offer it without bounds, limitations, or parameters. And don't let others dull your sparkle. My wish is that you each experience honest love without regret.

Get over it...say I love you...more often than you do now, and more than you think is necessary.

Numbers and figures

There is a lot in a number...I've been a "counter" my entire life. Perhaps it is the nature of being a dancer. Counting is a way my brain finds order in things that are less than orderly. I count my steps while running. I count music with an inhale and exhale, synchronized to the beat. I count kids, mini cows, bites of food, and how many steps it takes to walk to my car door. I count in the shower. I count while I fill up for gas. I count to pass the time.

So there is no wonder why I know that 116 days ago I read an inspiring article about one mans adventure with a white dragon horse and karmic moonbeams.  A real life adventure about oranges, religion, an intellectual crisis, humanity, and the need to explore...a true exploration of the artistic, spiritual, mental and physical challenge offered on the saddle of the White Dragon Horse. The inspiration of the WDH had introduced itself during an incredible time of realization about my own journey and the immense truth behind a personal epiphany of being "all in"...little did I know the intensity behind that truth at the time. And quite honestly, I'm not even sure I understand its intensity now...

All of this only matters because today marks 116 days until I embark on my own incredible adventure full of karmic moonbeams...

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. T.S. Eliot

Destination: Riverton, Wyoming (my birth place)

Numbers and Figures:
1500 miles, give or take a few
30 or so days,
4 panniers,
1 tent, sleeping bag, and sleeping pad,
a billion stars to sleep under each night,
my 2 wheeled pal, Cheshire, the blue bike,
and me.

And a whole bunch of YOU providing support from afar!

Many of you have already offered support as I've prepared diligently over the past few months...bike classes, advice, training sessions, physicals, words of encouragement, short rides, long rides, gear up, gear down, new bike, lessons in tools and strength...the support from you has been appreciated more than words could ever express. And yes, my mental health is excellent, too! And even though none of you will be there in the physical sense when my journey commences, you have all given me reasons (about 485 of them) to take this journey. As I continue my countdown, and preparations, I look forward to sharing my in-between moments along the way.

I'm not doing this for a cause or any other reason in particular, except to REALLY experience the surface of a planet. A way to slow waaaaaaaaaaayyyyy down and experience myself, without interruption from the demands of life, as I currently know it. My only job will be to pedal, set up camp and feed myself. I'm sure there will be a lot of counting, too. Probably a few curse words (I won't count those).  An abundance of smiles. Many pictures. And more counting. Ultimately, just an adventure to experience extraordinary things that can only manifest through me on a bicycle...and go back to the start.

BElieve in YOUrself

I took a big gulp as I closed the car door behind me. I almost didn't go in. Who really needs milk anyway (says the girl who drinks two gallons each week...by herself)? Picture this: It was a Tuesday night in the Winco parking lot. I was without a coat. And an Eagle Fire Department truck was parked to my right. I shook my head as I walked in the store. Small details...

Courage is something we all have, some more than others, but we all possess it. It gets stifled at times, completely lost at others, and yet it is in its release that we truly experience it. I am constantly reminded of it as dancers walk through the doors of the studio each and every day.

Be confident. Show your courage.
Stay brave.
Push through it.
Feel it.
Make the mistake...and make it big!
Keep smiling.
It might be hard, but keep trying.

Simply put...get over it.

I'm sure my teenage dancers roll their eyes each time I say it. But I smile each time they do it! And they do it frequently. I've witnessed it in great measure as they choreograph their own piece. As little legs leap over the large storage bin. I know the pain in pointe shoes, burning quads, somersaults, and 12 oz cans of green beans. It's the courage of big brother J learning the 5 ballet positions from little sister C...courage on so many levels...

I'm amazed how frequently and easily children show courage. And how honest they are about their own doubts. And how willing they are to be themselves. Perhaps we should take note.

Walking into Winco that night I felt the strength of my young dancers with me, reminding me to embrace my own courage. They were there to help me get over the noise from the "small details"...there I was on a Tuesday night, a 36 year old ballerina in multi-colored cat pants, rockin' a new cat shirt even, and the Eagle firefighters just so happened to be buying groceries at the exact moment of my milk deprivation...for those of you that have not seen the Eagle Fire Department Calendar, well...you just won't understand. For the rest of you...yeah, that really happened.

Pull your big girl cat pants up and get inspired by big brother J to find your own courage...wherever and whatever it may be...tip toe if needed, or take a daring leap...just believe in yourself. Be YOU.