BElieve in YOUrself

I took a big gulp as I closed the car door behind me. I almost didn't go in. Who really needs milk anyway (says the girl who drinks two gallons each week...by herself)? Picture this: It was a Tuesday night in the Winco parking lot. I was without a coat. And an Eagle Fire Department truck was parked to my right. I shook my head as I walked in the store. Small details...

Courage is something we all have, some more than others, but we all possess it. It gets stifled at times, completely lost at others, and yet it is in its release that we truly experience it. I am constantly reminded of it as dancers walk through the doors of the studio each and every day.

Be confident. Show your courage.
Stay brave.
Push through it.
Feel it.
Make the mistake...and make it big!
Keep smiling.
It might be hard, but keep trying.

Simply put...get over it.

I'm sure my teenage dancers roll their eyes each time I say it. But I smile each time they do it! And they do it frequently. I've witnessed it in great measure as they choreograph their own piece. As little legs leap over the large storage bin. I know the pain in pointe shoes, burning quads, somersaults, and 12 oz cans of green beans. It's the courage of big brother J learning the 5 ballet positions from little sister C...courage on so many levels...

I'm amazed how frequently and easily children show courage. And how honest they are about their own doubts. And how willing they are to be themselves. Perhaps we should take note.

Walking into Winco that night I felt the strength of my young dancers with me, reminding me to embrace my own courage. They were there to help me get over the noise from the "small details"...there I was on a Tuesday night, a 36 year old ballerina in multi-colored cat pants, rockin' a new cat shirt even, and the Eagle firefighters just so happened to be buying groceries at the exact moment of my milk deprivation...for those of you that have not seen the Eagle Fire Department Calendar, well...you just won't understand. For the rest of you...yeah, that really happened.

Pull your big girl cat pants up and get inspired by big brother J to find your own courage...wherever and whatever it may be...tip toe if needed, or take a daring leap...just believe in yourself. Be YOU.

Peaceful Easy Feeling

...I want to sleep with you in the desert tonight with a billion stars all around...

                                                                               ...I know you won't let me down.

There's a Calm Before the Storm, I know; It's Been Coming for Some Time

A journal entry from October 2015:

...a pang in my heart and welling behind the eyes. A smile and a goodbye. A peaceful beauty encapsulated by turmoil. In the immediate days prior, I felt insignificance, wonderment, sadness, a shattered heart, renewal, longing, being recognized, gratitude, stiffness and validation. And now a new feeling in my chest, one that feels a bit like "butterflies"...probably due to the newness of my shifting experience. And a sweaty right arm-pit. I've always wondered why my right arm pit sweats, and not my left...I digress...all very much playing significant roles in my journey.

There I was sitting at a gas station where HWY 21 and HWY 75 meet, having just walked through the pouring rain...I smiled at the man walking across the parking lot, a real smile...my heart immediately filled with the warmness that his smile offered back. The connection. The unplanned, minute event that I allowed myself to feel. I wasn't sure how it was going to be unleashed, but in that parking lot I came to know...

As I frantically rushed to the lake, the posted rules of the road crawled through my thoughts and I was annoyed, but I obeyed. I obeyed and felt ANNOYED. I wasn't annoyed at the road, or the rules...I was annoyed that I couldn't get there fast enough. I was able to feel it. Truly FEEL it. When I turned off the highway, my feelings took control and I went faster, I was safe, but fast. The 3 miles reminded me of "Caution Flying Debris"...I laughed. I laughed because it was funny. My body trembled, my heart raced and my right arm pit was soaked. I'm pretty sure my door was open before I came to a complete stop. I walked calmly to the edge of the lake...the howl of the wind was crisp against my face. And just like that a peaceful chaos erupted...

Present day, January 2016:

The caution sign was something I had stumbled upon on a trip to the same mountain lake 2 months prior to my journal entry...I laughed then, too. Snapped a picture and filed it away until today. There I was in the middle of the wilderness, perplexed as to what the flying debris could have been.

I do believe now, on the outer fringe of things in which I have no control over, somewhere in the storage room of my subconscious mind, the caution sign had spoke directly to me. Flying debris was percolating, and I was completely unaware of it.

And in October, at the waters edge, I released my flying debris...

Set completely free.

2015, with Gratitude

With gratitude, I reflect on the moments that brought clarity, healing, strength, and hope throughout 2015. I want to share and say thank YOU for being a part of my life. Each of you have played a significant role in my journey and I am endlessly amazed at being graced by the pure, genuine kindness and love you have all shared with me.

As we transition from "old" to "new" I hope you each take some time to reflect on the people, the moments, and the feelings that shaped the noteworthy events of 2015. We all have the BIG experiences that easily standout without effort... some of us have moved, lost jobs, started new jobs (or at least thought about starting new jobs), lost loved ones, gained new additions, opened businesses, closed others, had surgery, got married, divorced, graduated from school...the list is endless. But sometimes we focus so intently on these BIG moments that we forget the small, simple "in-between" moments...the moments that give us strength and hope, joy and laughter, and fill our cups with warmth, kindness and love on a daily basis. Reflect on these moments more...for they are the simple, daily happenings that keep us moving forward. That have got us to where we are. I find peace and comfort in knowing that many of my in-between moments are filled with thoughts of you. Thank you for blessing me with your connection...

The eyes that search for my approval each time the music begins. Kindness of friends in providing a place for me to lay my head while sharing my passion in rural Oregon. The phone calls offering advice. The phone calls seeking advice. Cat Pant Tuesday. The hands that hold me as I cross into new territory. Super secret spots. The friends that stand tall and strong when I need a place to lean. The coffee dates, the text dates, the drink dates, the dinner dates. Vancouver Market. The kindness of strangers offering stories of life. The shirt that "meowt" be too big! The furry family members that provide comfort. The Cat Nanny. The neighbors who watch over me and my house. Friday morning breakfast. The little ballerinas who share a hug before, after, AND during class. The not so little ballerinas who share teenage angst, heartbreak, heart throbs, and continuous dedication and desire. The desire in bloody toes. The friends who send steak in the mail! The friends who enjoy the solitude of the Sawtooths. The friends who invite me over for dinner and share stories and tips for epic adventures. The inspiration a young boy found backstage at The Nutcracker. The ability to drive safely on treacherous, snow covered roads to Cascade. The dance family that support my passion. The opportunities provided to former dancers. Eating pizza, roller skating, buying lip gloss and watching movies with special little friends. The friends in passing that taught me lessons without even knowing it. To my friends afar in miles, but close in spirit. The familiarity of a friend that lives two blocks away. Rush hour on the cat highway...across my bed. The cellos. The contagious spirit of little people. The laughter found in unicorns and skittles. The coffee beans. The letting go of things that don't have use for us any longer. Orchard House Breakfast. New friendships. Finding inner strength. Perks of part-time jobs. Closing the door. Offering help. Being there. Being you.

You see, you have all enriched my life over the past year. Take a moment to find your own in-between moments...smile...and embrace the moments to come in 2016. The new year offers an adventure for us all, make it epic! Take that 1500 mile bike ride across the west, or take a walk around the block. Sign up for that photography class. Walk away from unfulfilling jobs. Just get over "it"...whatever it may be. And hold on to those in-between moments that shaped the current you...but don't grasp too tightly...the moments have shaped you, but don't define you. Have the courage now, or later...

...get lost...

on purpose...

...it's the only way to find yourself.

May 2016 bless each of you in ways that enrich your peaceful center!