Things manifest in the most eloquent and unexpected ways:
When we trust ourselves we find our confidence.
It is pretty safe to say that over the past few years I have felt
like Alice in Wonderland at times...and definitely so over the last 3
weeks of this journey...at times there are curiosities, and questions,
and unknowns, and perplexing thoughts. There are also ah-ha moments, and
in-between moments, and livable moments, answers, challenges...and
there has also been a very grounded feeling of peace. As I head into the
final week of my journey in Wyoming I am looking forward to all of
these moments continuing...and my only hope is that when I arrive "home"
I can continue to cultivate a true awareness of myself and hold steady
to the peaceful center that has grounded me where I am. I am sure there
will still be Alice in Wonderland moments, and when these moments come
to fruition I will gently remind myself that Alice, did indeed, have the
time of her life, so I better enjoy the ride!
I've
been on a path of reconciliation over the better part of the last year.
Reconciliation with myself. Deliberately seeking out ways of making my
life compatible with my very own value system...what a concept, right?!
Respecting who I am, at the core...and not who anyone else expects me to
be. Think about that for a moment...do you live YOUR life for you? Or do you cut and paste the parts to fit in for someone else to accept? Somewhere in my last lifetime I
had subtly lost grasp of me...and I hadn't even known it. I was numbing
out my feelings because I was so busy trying to convince myself that my
life had to go as planned (as I had planned it)...so busy that I had in
fact forgot why or what that plan even was in the first place. I was
letting exterior forces guide me instead of my own core belief system. I
was busy convincing myself that my life was everything I had
wanted...when it wasn't even close. Yet, I didn't figure this out until
days/weeks/months/years later. Well, not entirely true...somewhere along
the path I had indeed recognized that I was bending in a lot of ways
that were untrue to my being...but I thought I still had a firm grasp on
me...or at least I was good a convincing myself of it...
I
had good
reasons excuses, of why it was ok to bend in ways that were outside of my norm...I thought that I was working on ME by
meeting the needs of others. And I was like superwoman, because I was
meeting the needs of a whole bunch of people! I was doing it for the
studio. For my students. For former students. For friends. For lovers.
For family. For everyone else...but myself. I told myself it was ok if
my only alone time was the time I spent in the car getting from point A
to Point B. It was ok that I put my house chores and storage room
organization duties off another weekend. That it was ok that I didn't
check in with myself and take a break.
Every bit of free time that I did have was spent making experiences with people that I loved...and that was good for my soul.
I was convincing myself of it, without hesitation, and I was so
thankful that other people were convincing me of it, too. So...I was
beginning to accept that my business hours were not normal, that my
bedtime was too late, that I was not invited to things because I was
always working, even to the point that the food and beverages I drank
were never quite right, actually, I came to accept that I didn't do a
lot of things right...
And...without a doubt, it WAS
good for my soul. You see, without the experiences over my last
lifetime, I wouldn't be where I am today...in a place full of knowledge,
growth, and peace...and most of all...I've found confidence in myself
again. I've learned how to embrace ME, my value system, my "normal". And
I've seen the importance of not being in demand, and not putting
pressure on myself, and of being appreciated and being seen for who I
really am. And that I had really never lost complete grasp of myself,
more that I was letting myself explore the limits and understand that MY
life is just that...mine, not someone else's life to fit into....my
hours ARE absolutely normal, my tender and caring heart is a beautiful
thing, the raw and sincere love that I have to share is enormous, and that professional cat lovers are needed on this earth, and milk is a perfectly fine
drink to buy anytime, and that written word is ok, and that
alone time is vital to my peaceful center, and that I'm Miss Amber...
When you are tired learn to rest, not to quit. - This was a quote I had come across during my time out period soon after
my last lifetime ended. I am proud to say that I have never quit
anything in my life...and likely never will...but I am not as proud to admit that I have never learned
how to rest. And something clicked when I was asked to set life free...my life was in dire need of rest...
In some weird way, I have so much gratitude for the experiences of my last lifetime, all of them...all of the questions, curiosities and bending that I did...I know, without a doubt, that I did indeed spend my time wisely and with people I loved. I don't regret a minute of it. I am also so very thankful for having the opportunity to grow from all of those prior moments...an experience that has been so very dear to me. I am finally back to doing me.
This week, after I climbed and descended 53 hills with elevations of nothing less than that of Mt. Everest (ok, maybe there were only 5 or 7 mountains, but who is counting) I found new meaning and a magnificent understanding and peaceful center of what resting really means...not only a rejuvenation of our spirit and a recharge of our physical strength...but more so...it teaches us to live in the moment.
All of this came full circle this week when my journey collided with the path of a sweet 6 year old and an invite to an impromptu tea party. A tea party full of imagination...the water was tea, cream, and sugar, the palace was a lovely garden where flowers acted as doors that opened and closed, where rocks were thrones, and leaves were expensive treats, and jewels were hidden...ah yes, it was about white rabbits, and smoking caterpillars...and as I turned I saw Cheshire grinning, and immediately sensed that Alice was right where she was suppose to be.
More in-between moments that I never could have planned for...but moments that I get to take forward
with me and hold for an eternity. Moments that have made everything
right about this journey. The miles traveled are just miles. It's the experiences that
add to our narrative...and what a beautiful story I get call my
own...and be proud of.
(Only 43 miles shy of 1000!!)
But for now, I rest and share small bits of my journey:
A grinning Cheshire at a lovely homestay.
A grinning me at a lovely shade spot on my grocery run.
Who knew prayer flags would bring water?!
...or blackberries!
I keep finding a new appreciation for green grass. It lets me rest!
But I still haven't figured out the lock that mysteriously changed combinations in the matter of a ride...so weird.
Even though I am not a fan of corporate America, I am a fan of civilization and coffee!
I must admit that I became the person I despise...can't stand when cyclists ride their bikes with their jersey unzipped or just in their bibs...BUT it was sooooo hot...well, that and I didn't want tan lines on my arms either!
...or my legs. If I could ride in my swimming suit, I definitely would. I might roll my shorts more than most...maybe.
Everything I need to survive can be found neatly packed right here in this 44 lbs (WHAT?!?!). Next adventure will be to see how much I can live without...
If I weighed another 44 lbs I would have hips that look like this...oh my. Gotta drop some of that weight!
But for now I'll let Cheshire carry me and my extra weight...and love each moment!
